))dejavu((

imma goin away tmr..to where?malaysia..oh mannn...wat a waste of my time...how i wish i could go down fer band.but wells...i guess i gotta b fair to my parents too they said its suppose to b family time.every yr at this period of time imma usually away fer two weeks n miss out on band n would be damn happy bout it~but not this time..coz im dead worried fer the band n of course extra worried fer my section n myself.today was terrible terrible.not only my section was scolded, other sections too. n tt includes the lower brass..i just do not know why~y has the band become lidat?what has happened to us?sounds familiar eh?tt was wt refat said juz now...none of us could answer to that.juz for today...I REALLY HATE MYSELF.I JUZ HATE MYSELF TO THE CORE.i dunno wat in the bloody world is wrong wit me!!!WHAT THE F!!! IS WRONG WIT ME????!!!!!aft what refat said today..it set me thinking...wat has gotten into all of us.questions pelted from my mind...i couldn't find any answer to it.i was on the verge of breaking down....but i wun i cant n wil never coz i know i gotta b strong as my section is stil standing strong behind me as they proved to me when they did sectionals aft that n was very enthusiastic bout it as they asked me n all,n when it comes to smth in which i do not know.i seek azman for help...i really do not wanna see any of my members giving up..it really hurts to see them lidat n to see refat stressing out lidat too.til i actually did not feel lyk picking my trumpet up juz now to play...can u believe it?its the FIRST time in which i've felt so shitty n F!!!ed up bout myself...i counted thru the rests n wanted to come in for the phantom.but i do not know why when i brought up my instrument, n looked at refat n nothin came out i juz couldnt get anythin out of it as refat's words were echoing in my mind...i admit tt i was demoralised n wanted to give up..but i think bout it again...giving it second thoughts..i told myself this is wat i've always wanted,the concert is wat we asked fer...smth we fought so hard juz to have the opportunity to gain some exposure..n thus i decided to stay on.n swallowed everythin down n told myself tt i must recall evrythin during the sectional.honestly, yes. refat was one right...y izzit so tt it took us juz a FEW mins to learn the song BUT also juz a FEW mins to forget it?one particular reason was that all of us did not have breakfast.oh wells..about hte sectionals we've done~~i remember!!but i dunno y some ppl forgotten clean bout it~probably stress?pressure?wat???i really dunno...i cant think anymore...n he said we SLs r stil responsible til jan14.n that was wat hit me the hardest.i felt the load coming on harder n was almost on the verge of breaking down..but i told myself..nvr b put down by any setbacks...always tell myself tt i must have faith wit ourselves...but it juz seem to me watever i tel them during sectionals...they forget...n aft refat's lecture...i feel even worse..lyk im shit worse then dirt on the floor.n damn it...i cant even teach properly?yeah lyk i feel exactly tt way...n huey min too i could see she was all blank in a state of mind whereby i can never understand.she did not even come in at a particular bar n i asked her why?she replied "i dunno..."n then a blank stare.at that point of time i juz felt comppletely deflated...my moral n evrythin..n refat was right..we may be unhappy bout gettin guest players..but wat to do?mayb we r really not up to standard?r we?i really feel lyk cryin at that point of time..the stress was worse then o lvls...i dunno y i juz hated myself as in i REALLY HATE MYSELF.til i wanted to stab myself in the back n juz die n leave tt "freezing cAve" with ppl producing gnawing music which sounds disgusting worse then pungent rubbish from rubbish chutes under hdb flats.RUBBISH!!!tts wat refat have been sayin...all these words which refat used on us have been etched in our minds n is being repeated...many of us thought of giving up..but we told each other..no matter we must stick tog as this is wat we want n we gave our words already.n a promise is a promose..promises r not meant to b broken~also when refat appeared to b so stressed up~here is one of the question which pelted from my mind-"was mr hong's judgment about us right?that we'll never make it big?n that we r a band made up of rubbish players?"i do not even know if i was right to think tt way put i pushed tt thought aside..many words which came out of refat's mouth hit me hard in the head.i really do not know wats happening..y?r my members suffering from amnesia??am i using my short term memory card???????!!!!ARGHHHi really feel lyk killin myself really feel lyk knocking evrythin into my head..al the rhythmn, y?GOD PLS TEL ME!!???n he kept sight reading new songs...changing constantly...very tiring n stressed up it was...but we cant complain.we do not have the right.i dunno i juz feel terrible worse then anythin.lyk im the worse trumpeter on earth...but i do count myself lucky tt i do have members to go thru all this shiet wit me.n really touched at their anxiety at playing sometimes..but how come this spirit n enthusiasm cant b applied when refat is up there conducting?i may look ok..but deep down inside i feel terrible..the same goes fer huey min.HUEY MIN!!PROMISE ME DUN GIVE UP K?WE PROMISED EACH OTHER TT WE'L SUFFER TOG RITE?REMEMBER!!!DUN GIVE UP!!!im sure we can pull thru.alto i have a really bad feeling tt the concert would not turn out good~but i would rather not believe in tt sixth sense of mine coz i chose to belive in my band members n myself~n i know refat is on the edge of giving up.if he does...i do not blame him.watever he have said r mostly right..altho we might find him quite unreasonable at times we cant do anythin but to swallow evrythin as i believe that he's doin smth right fer us...altho i know he must b super pissed off~ aft today.

oh wells..yeah i wun b there fer band tmr n fer sure i'l b dead worried as he's gonna try festa...n i feel damn worried n bad fer not being able to attend band pract tmr..i dunno y also he dun even wanna let us try concerto.r we that bad?hah..demoralised we r...BUT we'l hold on together...juz lyk our school song..BM band spirit.can we keep it alive?i'll cross fingers n pray hard..god pls pls help us..pls pls guide us thru..pls be our shining star brightest as it may be n lit up our path so that refat can be less stress...it hurts to see evryone like that.im gonna go berserk soon...evrythin's juz spinning round n round me..at the same time struggling hard to keep afloat...my energy level is juz THAT much..we r not robots lyk wat refat said..

stupid.retarded.useless.rubbish.ugly!.horrible.terrible.idiots.dumb.good for nothing.nonsense.

we remember every hurting word he hurtles at us..it may be hurting but we stil take it...y?coz hes our instructor..so yeah sorry refat...i know it hasnt been easy..same fer us too...i know my section is really sucking ur blood dry..giving u more wrinkles n stress n also the risk of balding..but i hope that from now onwards we'l try our best to give u less of those?

ok enuff bout the band....wells..i'l b goin away tmr..besides the band i'l miss my dearie lots n lots n LOTS!!but wells i've got auto roaming so yeah...at least we can stil keep in contact..yeah so band peepz..esp my section peepz..anythin juz ring my cell...i'l sure b there...=)